Monday, March 19, 2012

Well that sucked.

            Today, I was lucky enough to go to the grocery store by myself- or so I thought. No husband, no kids, just me, my coupons, and an hour in Shop Rite to get enough food to sustain us for a week. (Or until tomorrow, when I forget something... I am at Shop Rite nearly every day.) I don't even have to get that obnoxiously large cart with the stupid ass truck on it that can't navigate a runway, let alone around all of the old ladies at Shop Rite. Literally, all that is missing is a nice cold cocktail, and if I ever get to do this again in my lifetime while not pregnant, I will absolutely be packing a libation. Honestly, I can't believe that I never did that before I had kids.. and if I sound like an alcoholic, don't tell me that doesn't sound like an amazing idea. (Liar) 


This lady is silently screaming behind that fake smile. Five bucks says she loses her mind once she hits the cereal aisle.

          So at any rate, I start my shopping trip and score enough razors to last me the next year for $3.00. Sweet, I'm feeling good. I smirk and give my best judge-y face to the woman with the kid who spilled the whole pint of blueberries on the floor- control your child, woman! I walk along and see a cute baby that is actually behaving, which I appreciate, so I make a happy silly face and try to make the baby laugh. Problem #1. If I don't have kids with me, I just look like a creeper  who is probably trying to steal your kid. Mom of cute baby quickly decides she doesn't need to eat fruit this week and high tails it to the other side of the store. Shit.
        Then, I hear the silence all around me.. no Squeakers demanding my attention, throwing a toy only for me to pick it up so she can throw it again, no Princess Particular asking for things that are not on my list, and no Mr. Wonderful "helping" me by trying to embarrass the crap out of me. His signature move is to wander down the aisle and randomly scream, "I need something to tenderize my meat, do you see anything I could use to TENDERIZE my meat". Yikes. Lucky for him, I don't embarrass easily. (eh hem.) 

        So all this silence is weird to me, and I know that while I am alone, I'm not really free, because Mr. Wonderful is home with the girls and at any second I could get that fateful text, asking me how much longer I will be. I did great through the produce aisle, and as I passed the health and beauty aisle, I remembered how, before I had kids, I would just peruse the health and beauty aisle and pick myself up a new product, grab a magazine and check out all the fancy, pretty clothes that I would be willing to pay for. I literally don't even go to the healthy and beauty section any more, because #1, everything is cheaper in Target, and #2, nothing about grocery shopping with a 5 year old and 7 month old is leisurely. 
                                             Hey, I remember this magazine.. do they still publish it?                

         Then comes the snack aisles. I have gotten very good at bypassing them and somehow grabbing what I need while Princess Particular is at school. I also don't normally have a problem with telling her no, that something isn't healthy, but that doesn't stop her from asking for every single sugar filled cookie topped with ADHD sprinkles on the shelf. The problem today, is that I'm pregnant, hungry, and have no one to set a good example for. Pop Tarts look pretty fresh today, I will just open the box and help myself to one right now! And they are on sale- even better. Normally, I would never open anything in the store, for fear that not only is it really rude, but with my luck there would be some problem with my debit card, and I would have to call Mr. Wonderful and ask him to pick me up from the police department for eating Pop Tarts and not paying for them. Today, however, I had cash.  

"I have no idea how this entire empty cheesecake box made it into my cart, sir"

       I realized that maybe shopping alone wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I almost welcomed the 911 text from Mr. Wonderful that came three minutes later- "The wheels are falling off".. I sprinted to the frozen yogurt, got my vanilla bean (maybe with another Pop Tart later?) and got on the first line I saw... then changed lines when I realized the Lady with the Cute Baby - who now thinks I am a stalker in addition to a baby stealer- was on the line in front of me. Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.

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