Thursday, March 15, 2012

Won't you be my neighbor? And not an asshole?

             It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day... oh wait. No it isn't, because my neighbors' dog has once again shit on my front sidewalk. This is after the dog has torn up my garbage, and thank God Mr. Wonderful was home for that incident, or it would have been strewn all over my lawn until he actually did come home.

          Now, I love dogs. I love them. I always had two growing up, but a dog doesn't fit my lifestyle at the moment. People will always watch your kids, but no one wants to watch your dog. If we got a dog now, I may as well chain myself to my house for the next 14 years, or be willing to pay for boarding that will probably be the equivalent or exceed any price I'm willing to pay for a hotel. For humans. The last dog we had was Mr. Wonderful's dog in college; her name was Coco and she was an ADHD untrained chocolate Lab that used to bite me and love him. Look who won that battle biotch.

           I mean really, people. How much poop do I clean up on an average day? Not to mention spit up, and a thousand other horrifying things that you can't imagine ever touching if you aren't a mother. And even then, I gag 4 out of 5 times. Who wants to walk out of their house and see dog poop on top of it all? It's down right enraging. Maybe it's the fact that I am now 18 weeks pregnant and still have 24 hour a day morning sickness; maybe it's the fact that I am just an enormous monster bitch; I don't know. Either way, I dared myself to write the following letter and stick it in the mailbox of the people too lazy to take care of their own dog:

        Since apparantly I'm way too stupid to figure out how to make this letter face the right way, (believe me, I've tried for the last 20 minutes and now I'm bored)
       The letter reads as follows:

Dear Neighbor,
         Your dog has now gone to the bathroom on my property three times. I do not have a dog because I do not want to clean up poop. If it happens again, I will be forced to go to the bathroom on your property. Consider this your only warning. Also, he has torn apart my garbage once. If you do not leash your dog, I will call animal control. Please be considerate of the people living around you.

Your Neighbor

Probably won't be invited over for a barbecue any time soon.

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