Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Never cashing in my "V" card. And you can't make me.

                 Since I am currently working on a baby factory around here, I fear that I will need to buy a new car. Now, by new, I mean new to me, because I am certainly not buying a brand new car. I treat my cars with all the respect of the black sheep in the family, a hobo who hasn't had a bath in a year, and a storage unit combined. A new car for me would be a severe waste of money.
                Currently, I drive The Golf Cart, a 1998 (that's right. 1998.) Honda CR-V that only has 60,000 miles on it. It used to belong to The Grammie, and while I hate driving such an old car, who can really complain?
                                                                                                                                                                            This is The Golf Cart. Mine is missing a passenger door handle that I ripped off by accident (while Hulking out about who knows what), and mysteriously smells like old chocolate milk. Beautiful.
          I expected to drive this little beauty for two more years, until we had another baby. Since I'm knocked right up again, however, I think I will have to buy a bigger car now. This pains me on many levels; The Golf Cart, while old as balls, is still fully functional, and is great for parallel parking. Also, we just paid off Mr. Wonderful's car, so I was really looking forward to a couple of car payment free years in which I could feel rich. Also, car shopping is so super annoying.  I mean really, can't we just walk in there, say this is what I want and this is what I'm willing to pay, and walk out? I just enjoy when people do what I want them to do, and I don't want to deal with some cheesy car salesman. I think I will bring Princess Particular after she's had a few handfuls of candy, and Squeakers after she's had no nap. I can tune out the crazy, but I doubt Big Bob of Auto World can as easily. 

                 The next major problem that I feel like every mom faces as some point in life is the "V" word. The "V" word is VAN, and you are more welcome to drop a string of "F" bombs on Christmas morning in my house than have me accept the suggestion to get a van. While I may have let my wardrobe fall to shit, because lets face it, I am getting spit up on or pooped on or used as a tissue for most of the day, plus I'm not exactly at my goal weight at the moment; and while I may not do my hair or makeup on a daily basis, and I feel like it's ok to go to Shoprite in pajamas (but not Target. Target is only for fancy sweats), I feel like I can't succumb completely to mom-status and drive around in a giant van.

       Now let's be honest. The vans these moms are driving around are better equipped than most flights I've been on; navigation, dual sound system, dvd, leather, huge captain's chairs, major storage space, and loads of other stuff I don't even know about because my car is 14 effing years old. If they came equipped mini liquor bottles and pretzels, the decision would be made for me.  I may or may not have a crush on the new Honda Odyssey. It was built for kids, and if they could find a way to give it a new candy coated sexy shell, I would be all over it. My options are a giant SUV that will guzzle loads of gas, or a smaller SUV with a third row that is tiny and we will probably outgrow in two years anyway.
                 When are they going to make a car that is good on gas, big enough for a shitload of kids, and still makes people think, "Damn. She's a sexy bitch."? (Until they see your shitload of kids in the back, of course. That's what tinted windows are for.) I am just going to treat this like most problems in life, and ignore it until I have to decide to let Princess Particular illegally sit in the front seat, or strap one of the babies down in the trunk.


  1. Does your mind ever stop? I love it! And you probably will get a mini-van. lol

  2. Absolutely not. Plus, like almost anything else in life, the van I would choose would probably cost as much as my mortgage :)

  3. haha you are totally getting a van! but you can rock it! and you only need it for about 10 years then they will make some awesome van-type sexy suv that would make you look oh so MILF-like ;)