Things I've Lost... Besides My Sanity

       

                                                       
         When you become a mom, you hear all about all of the things you will gain. This little tiny human who looks like you, smells amazing (if you keep them clean), and brings you joy each and every day of their wonderful little lives. In reality, while all of these little rainbow and smile filled dreams are real, no one tells you how many things you lose when you become a mom...

1. Sleep- this is obvious. Newborns generally sleep for maybe two hours at a time, and need to be fed, changed, and loved in between. Throw another older child (or more) into the mix, and even though both my kids slept through the night between 6 and 8 weeks, there were plenty of times where I felt the wheels falling off of the whole operation. What people really don't tell you is that you will never sleep a full night again. You  have those rare nights, mind you, where you actually get 6-8 hours of sleep, you just wake up thinking someone stole your children in the night... and sprout a few gray hairs as you sprint to their room and check their breathing, so really, what did that peaceful night's sleep actually do for you? In between these moments, you have your winter colds, which generally hit one child and then another, leaving you with bags under your eyes from December-February, because you stayed up all night making "clouds" in the bathroom with steamy water, or listening to one or more of them cough every 12 seconds. Even if you could sleep through this, you won't, because you will be staring at your ceiling wondering if you will send them on a Robo-trip if you give the little darlings an extra dose of cough syrup. Add teething, nightmares, potty training, and stomach viruses in the mix, and you won't see a good night's sleep ever again.

2. Any type of grooming habits other than showering, and even that is a toss up- Since sleep will be such a precious commodity to you, you will cut out any type of activity that impedes on a few extra minutes of sleep. Yesterday, Princess Particular asked me to get up at 7am to "curling iron" her hair. I'm sorry, sweetie... have you been drinking Mommy's special grape juice? Have you seen Mommy's hair?
               As a child, I distinctly remember my mother getting ready. She had a huge makeup mirror, and a desk with all of her things in exactly the right place, and I would watch her apply her blue eyeshadow like a freakin professional. I sat there thinking, "Wow. She is so beautiful. I can't wait until I wear makeup just.like.her." Fast forward twenty years, and probably the absolute only thing I splurge on in my entire life is my makeup. I literally won't pay more than $20 for a shirt  people, but think it's perfectly fine to spend $25 on a mascara. The problem with my amazing stash of designer makeup is that I never get to freaking wear it. Princess Particular is a natural born artist, and thinks her face is too good for Bonnie Bell. I have to do my makeup in secret, pretending I am going #2 so I can have some facking privacy....which leads me to my next point...

3.Privacy- Privacy is now out of my vocabulary. I haven't gotten dressed, showered, or gone to the bathroom by myself in almost six years. It's like there's a bell that goes off in my sweet children's minds that say, "Activate the Mom GPS.... oh, she may want to be alone right now..lets go FIND HER" I finally had to put my foot down and demand that I had to go #2 by myself. The beautiful part about this is that I have suddenly developed a case of IBS, and now hang out in the bathroom. If I need a few minutes alone, I just pretend I have an upset tummy, grab my phone, and play Words with Friends while I sit on the edge of the tub until someone's Mom GPS goes off. Too bad it would look really gross if I brought snacks in there with me.I can't believe I haven't thought of this earlier.

So there you have it, hookers. A few things that you must give up in order to gain the joys of being a mother. I have to go hide all of my jewelry now, because Squeakers has discovered that necklaces are oh-so delicious, and that earrings are best served when ripped from my ears. Hopefully all of my accessories are in style when I can use them again... in five years.