Saturday, February 18, 2012

You know how I know you're a dumbass? Vol. 1

           As a mom, there are hundreds of products shoved in my face every day, aiming to convince me that if I don't use them, my children won't develop to the best of their ability. This marketing guilt is particularly strong with your first child, because you are still dealing with The Cuteness, learning how to keep someone other than yourself alive, and the overwhelming feeling that every second of every day you are screwing up your child beyond belief. Now, this feeling doesn't exactly go away as you have more kids, but it lessens enough that you see through the bullshit that the baby industry is constantly feeding you. Since I am working on a baby farm over here, with three kids at the age of 28, plus being a budget-conscious person, I have the uncanny ability to instantly know if a product is actually useful.

          So you can imagine my disbelief when I saw the following:

                                 BABY. FREAKING. LEGWARMERS.

     These little beauties are marketed as a product that will keep your baby warm during diaper changes....what? are you changing your baby outside? In Alaska? In a blizzard? I'm not sure about you rational people, but my house temperature ranges from a comfortable 67-75 degrees, depending on the season. Can anyone explain to me how, in the 90 seconds it takes any normal mom to change a diaper, these legwarmers will save your child from any irreparable damage? Are you losing sleep at night because your tiny darling cries during a diaper change? Guess what, they are crying because their little weenis or vaginy is cold and wet, not because their legs are nearly frostbitten. I swear. I will bet you five billion dollars it takes you three times as long to put on and take off these suckers as it does to actually change your baby. Plus, they look stupid. Save your money for a super classy $10 bottle of wine.

                       Step away from the chubby baby foot in sandals....

          The next category of products is hard to pass up; baby shoes. Not sure if you know this, but BABIES CAN'T WALK. Not only that, but when babies learn how to walk, the best thing they can use to learn are their chubby little feet. Now, Nike, Stride Rite and every hippie ergonomically designed hemp grass baby shoe maker doesn't want you to believe this. They want you to think it's normal to buy $80 tiny tiny shoes to put on quickly growing feet. When your little one is walking outside, in a manner more stable than a tiny drunken frat boy, then go ahead and buy them some shoes. NOT $80 shoes, because they will only wear them for about 3 months, max.

        Finally, the last product for today is probably one of the laziest parent moves I have ever seen... the baby food dispenser and squeezie baby food pouches.

              As a mom, I am constantly thinking, "Oh hey, is there any frivolous item that I'm not spending enough money on?....Oh right... I am so ancient. I mix my baby's food in a bowl and feed them...with a spoon. I am such an asshole." Obviously, people are saving hours and hours of their important, busy day by throwing a pouch of astronaut baby food at their kid and letting them fend for themselves. You are a dumbass. Take five minutes, play choo choo and here comes the plane and all the other silly games you play when feeding a baby. It will counter some of the other dumbass things you did during the day; your child will learn how to eat like a human and not a robot, and it will save you some money off of their future therapy bills. Promise.
            In addition, someone thought it would be beneficial for parents to take the time to load up the squeezie tube with baby food and then gently squeeze out the exact amount of food your little angel will need. One strong squeeze from a chubby little wandering hand, and that baby food is everywhere. Think you have the upper hand in feeding a baby? Good luck, those suckers are quick.

              So there you have it; just a few things that you absolutely do not need as a respectable, rational parent. There's a 100% chance your children will become normal, fully functional members of society without these things. Put your worry and guilt aside, have a margarita and feel confident that you are doing a perfectly acceptable job at raising your little doppelgangers. The best part is that there are dozens of other items that you don't need as well, and there are idiots putting out new ones all the time. I can help. Stay tuned for volume 2 of : You know how I know you're a dumbass?

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